Why Can’t I Just Get Over It? | Understanding the Part That Hates Feeling Like a Victim – IFS Therapy

So many people come into therapy saying some version of this:

“I hate sounding like a victim.”“I know I should just move on.”“I don’t want to keep talking about the past.”

Underneath those words is usually a part that feels ashamed, weak, or guilty for still hurting. That part believes the only way to be strong is to get over it — to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, to stop “dwelling,” to push on.

But from an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, this inner conflict is actually a clue that something much deeper is going on — and something profoundly human is trying to happen.

The Inner Battle Between “Get Over It” and “Still Hurting”

In IFS language, you might notice two (or more) parts at odds inside:

• The “Get Over It” Part — This part carries strength and resilience. It believes that the only way forward is to be tough and not let emotions get in the way.

• The “Victim” Part (or the Part That Still Hurts) — This part still holds the pain, confusion, or fear from experiences when you didn’t feel safe or cared for. It’s not trying to “be a victim.” It just hasn’t yet been truly witnessed or comforted.

Both parts are trying to help — one by protecting you from pain, the other by seeking healing.

Where the “Get Over It” Part Comes From

Often, this “get over it” part learned its job very early in life.

As children, many of us got the message — sometimes subtly, sometimes forcefully — that our feelings were too much for the adults we depended on. Maybe when we were sad, angry, or scared, those feelings were met with irritation, dismissal, or even punishment. We learned that being unhappy made us unwelcome.

So a very adaptive, loyal part stepped in. It took on the job of keeping us connected and safe by preemptively dismissing or minimizing our emotions — to make sure we wouldn’t be rejected by our caregivers.

This was essential at the time. When we were small and dependent, belonging meant survival. Later, as teenagers or young adults, this same strategy helped us fit in at school, succeed at work, and appear strong and capable.

But this part became so dedicated to its mission that it eventually learned to shut down all emotions, all the time.

That can work beautifully in environments that reward control — school, sports, career — but it often becomes painful when it comes to relationships, grief, and loss. The very part that once kept us safe can now make it hard to feel, connect, or process the full depth of our human experience.

Why “Just Moving On” Doesn’t Work

When we try to force ourselves to move on before the parts that carry pain are ready, they don’t disappear. They just go underground — surfacing later as irritability, numbness, guilt, or self-doubt.

From an IFS perspective, healing doesn’t come from pushing away the “victim” part. It comes from listening to it.Your hurt parts don’t need to be silenced — they need to be seen, soothed, and unburdened.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Strength and Vulnerability

In IFS, we learn that strength and vulnerability can coexist.The “get over it” part isn’t bad — it’s exhausted from protecting you for so long.The part that still hurts isn’t weak — it’s simply waiting for compassion and care.

When you, from your Self, can approach both parts with curiosity and kindness, they no longer have to battle each other. You don’t have to be stuck between “I should be over it” and “I still hurt.” You can hold both truths gently.

A Self-Led Way Forward

If you catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” pause for a moment and turn toward that voice inside. Ask:

• What are you afraid would happen if I didn’t get over it?

• What part of me still needs to be heard?

• What might happen if I could care for both — the part that protects and the part that still hurts?

This is the heart of IFS: creating a relationship of compassion and understanding inside yourself, instead of trying to silence or exile any part.

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

If you find yourself stuck between wanting to move on and still feeling pain, you’re not broken — you’re human.IFS therapy offers a way to reconnect with your inner system so that no part has to carry its burden alone anymore.